PERSONAL NOTES

THE GIRLFRIEND I NEVER HAD

GIRL

I thanked her for existing.I was just happy she existed.I stopped caring if we could actually hook up.I never knew her well,which allowed me to run wild with my imagination. She was the kind of girl who likes to nibble on earlobes.It was the most wonderful crush of my  first quarter century of  being alive.I responded to it with a childlike sense of excitement and wonder. She represented possibility.A possibility of change and romance.A possibility of something i had been craving for so long.She could sit next to me just being cute and crushworthy without her being aware of the joy she brought me.If she knew,maybe she would have been really creeped out or maybe she would have realized what i felt for her.

The dilemma of crushing on her had been the heaviest burden of my youth.I needed her to be there like she was in my mind.She added the brighter colors to the otherwise drab period of my life.Yet i did nothing about it.I let it all slide.I let her be my dream person and allowed reality not to ruin it. It was sad.But i take solace in the fact that i have only actually truly liked her.I am still confused how i developed feelings for her.We seemed different at first glance and our life journeys had been shaped differently by the implicit assumptions that came with our labels. But when it came to things that matter,the values that make up a person’s character we were really similar.

We cared about the same things. I am in awe of what a beautiful heart she had and still has.I know we haven’t known each other for long,but the few past months we spent times together,i saw how compassionate she was.It was remarkable how much humility she has.She was a caring person who always made me smile. Her constant effort to stand up for me didn’t go unnoticed.The impression she left on me is irreplacable. I never expected much to come out of each confession i made to her.

But it was probably for the best that nothing came out of it.Maybe i wouldn’t have been able to handle the enormous responsibility of having her as a partner.Thus far,i pride in not betraying that emotion.I would never want to keep the strain of trying to infuse emotion into it. I wondered if she found me equally attractive.In addition to the societal pressure to not indulge,the technicality of what she represented was much more difficult for me. I don’t know if she is seeing someone now.Sometimes i consider getting beyond that boundary we registered as off-limits,but then it dawns on me she is ‘The Girlfriend I Never Had’.

My poor attempt at flirting with her,always led to awkwardness.And i always thanked her for the thoughtful things she said to me,they came from the deepest part of her. I always wanted to hang out with her.I thoroughly enjoyed discussing literature and poetry with her.I never wanted the conversations to end. As soon as we always parted ways,i was always looking forward to the next time i will see her.That is when i came to the sad fact that it is all that there will ever be to us. It is unfortunate that i can never openly express those feelings to her again.I would have loved to show her how i felt.But i now would rather keep it to myself.I wouldn’t want to put our budding association in jeopardy. Considering the many complicated layers of our situation,i christened her ‘The Girlfriend I Never Had’.

There were more risks than benefits.She might have gotten away,but i still have her in my life as a friend.Though i will one day completely loose her to a strange man,i pride in what i see of her now. I used to be excited when around her that i had a problem with breathing.I used to grow overwhelmingly desperate around her,even when we met at our favorite spot.My mind would wander.There are moments i would just stop and look at her beautiful she is.I would study her face,her arms,her legs,her whole body. The weird space between liking her and actually dating her and going exclusive never got filled.All subtle hints never got a full leap by ‘The Girlfriend I Never Had’.

Being single at the moment has helped me deal with that struggle.She completely changed me.I stopped chasing after what is elusive and began investing in myself.I can’t set up myself anymore.I let her go with that other half that was left after the first half was lost a few years earlier.Now i have nothing left to offer any other lady. I believe she now has so much going for her now.And i know she is headed far.But she still remains important to me.

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