MUSINGS, NOTES, PERSONAL NOTES

CLOSURE

I am writing this, not because I forgive you. I just need closure. After all this, I no longer have to ask myself why. I know exactly why. For the first time, I didn’t feel angry or hurt. I guess I am getting smarter at receiving bad news. I wouldn’t hold a grudge because I can’t empower you over me.

I went through three times allowing you to blind me.For over a month, I am thinking I am a game you have played very well.

I have let people get used to getting away with what they shouldn’t by using me a bargaining tool.

I don’t think this for me is a mistake. It is not even a lesson well learnt.It is a reassurance that I have control over everything happening around me.I have learned from you. And I can’t blame myself for that.

I had sat down thinking that we would make memories. Of all the possibilities of existence we would have been a formidable pair. I am grateful you ruined all that. Now I can reset myself and look forward to new ventures.

 This distorted perception of love you were trying to hand me on a tarnished silver platter has to be extinguished. The manipulation of my emotional needs by cleverly weaving of words couldn’t be allowed to go through.

First time you tried to drown me, I knew I had to pull myself up the surface and save me.Second time, I saw you trying to push me deeper below the surface. It is this third time that reminded that the only hand I needed to remain afloat was my OWN.

I know you are a good person, but you got this wrong. And whatever the cost, I would be willing to bear the brunt. I had left my emotions be put on trial because my appetite for an idealistic life together – me and you – was in excess.

I do hope you land back where you belong. I don’t regret my decision. I do hope you will be engulfed in guilt, remorse and regret for wrongly gambling with both our fates. Too many great things would have come from us, if you had let some logic prevail.

I loved you a lot. We had a shared connection. I was damn good to you. But that wasn’t enough for you. I have spent so much time and effort trying to appreciate your position in my life. You don’t seem to care about all that. For you to disregard all that we have had and let things go south is so unfortunate.

In the gritty cracks of my marrow, I know my conscience is clean. I can’t agonize over whether anything went wrong. Neither can I be left utterly shattered. Rather than begin to wallow in a sickening futility, I have adopted a powerful practice of finding gifts in such a decision.

Thank you for overwhelming me with the delicious gifts of your beauty,sensuality,laughter,tenderness,playfulness,adventure and everything that I found so delightful about being in the presence of an exquisite, extraordinary lady.

For now I got to bury the spooky dream of our lives together. You have singlehandedly facilitated a separation. You have lasered into rocky smithereens one of the greatest friendships of our time. I hope you can live with that.

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