He realized that he had developed what psychologists would refer to as “emotional dissociation”/”emotional depersonalization”/”emotional numbing”.He gradually developed the inability to connect with people emotionally typically for social.personal or other reasons.
While it might have helped him maintain boundaries with himself and avoid undesired impact by others or upon others and also helped him maintain his psychic integrity,he realized that it exponentially damaged him.
Where emotional connections would have been appropriate,he was merely intellectually connected.He presented an extreme difficulty in giving empathy which is boldly attributable to narcissism.
He was excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy,vanity and prestige and was unable to see the destructive damage he was causing to himself and others.He developed feelings of self-importance,a sense of self entitlement and demonstrated grandiosity in his beliefs.
His associations became largely superficial and only existed to serve self-esteem regulation.He became mutually constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experience which was instead replaced by predominance of a need for personal gain.
The impairments in personal functioning and his individual trait expressions were not better understood as normative especially in my socio-cultural environment.
It came with pre-occupation of fantasies of unlimited success,power,brilliance,beauty or ideal love.
The thing about writing,is that it makes you believe that you are special and unique and you can only associate with other special people or high-status people.The unresonable expectations that you should get favorable treatment or automatic compliance to your expectations by other people puts you on a collision course with other people.
Writing comes with showing some form of arrogance,haughty behaviours and attitudes.You set unrealisitic goals for yourself.You wake up and lie to yourself that you can write a 300 page best-seller,while you struggle incessantly with a 800 word essay.In writing ,comes trouble of keeping healthy relationships.
As a writer you value yourself more and you have an illusion that you are inherently better than others.While in reality,you have a fragile self-esteem and you try to compensate that inner fragility by trying to disparage others in attempt to inflate your self-worth.
This develops as you carry on with your authorship.Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback gets into your head.Excessive praise,overindulgence and overvaluation by peers gets into your head.In writing,you learn manipulative behavior.This intensifies to a point where there is a failure of structural normality in your social environment.
Writing brings you to a quagmire between your actual and ideal self.In a strong attempt to control others’ views of themselves,you develop a defective nature of being subjective which flies in the face of reason.
Asociality [the lack of motivation to engage in social interactions] eventually takes over you.The preference of solitary engagements is what becomes perceiveable as a biased outlook of issues in your writings.
You begin to express dissent to the pettiest issues.You become predominantly concerned with your mental life whilst ignoring your social,physical and spiritual life.You begin to experience what the Japanese call a ‘hikkikomori’ [an acute social withdrawal where a person coops up oneself in their own home and doesn’t participate in society which essentially interferes with your normal routine,occupational and academic functioning].
After giving it all much thought and conducting alot of analysis,he adjudicated that it was time to try something different.